#4 Brendi & Flood - 36 lessons learnt
I record a podcast with my friend Andrew Gladstone-Heighton (@agladheight) called The Flood Warning. We stare in to the abyss with whimsy – and with a pal. In our latest episode and in honour of his impending 36th birthday we compiled a joint ’36 Lessons Learnt’. You can find it here.
I prepared the following for record but only some of them made the cut (we talk a lot) - so in the interests of sharing my alternative curriculum for life here are 36 lessons I have learnt.
Food is medicine.
They claim it is laughter but really it is food. A cold lonely evening can be remedied with home-made macaroni cheese. A bowl of soup can lift spirits and nourish a broken heart and feed a lingering cold. A baked camembert and bread can cement a budding romance. Mostly it makes the body you heft around work better and motor you on to other exciting things.
Stories allow you to live additional lives.
Books, music, plays, conversation, radio… any story will give you a moment in another life which is sort of magical when you think about it and helpful in far-reaching ways.
Nearly everyone is trying to get through something.
Try to exercise compassion in all of your dealings with people. That Volvo that cut you up this morning was a man distracted by the grief of his dying mother. The ratty woman in the chemist was managing chronic pain in her kidneys. That time you yelled at a friend that didn’t deserve it – you were exhausted and didn’t know how to help yourself.
Float Accordingly.
One of my most favourite items of clothing is a navy blue t-shirt that I wear to bed. It has a picture of a galaxy on it and it big arrow pointing to a faraway fleck that says, YOU ARE HERE. I love it for 2 reasons: 1. we are a small fleck in the grand scheme of things, a moment of cosmic dust and happenstance, and that should give us the perspective to remember to float accordingly. And 2. The man who gifted it to me for my birthday got it so right and that is still a delight to remember even after it was all said and done.
Float Accordingly. You are barely a fleck on a t-shirt.
Hot buttery toast and a cup of tea can fix souls.
This is technically similar to point 1, but if you have ever had whispery confessional chats at 2am sitting drunk in the kitchen with mascara streaked cheeks, or woken up from a nap on the sofa when you’re off work because of grief – then been handed a hot drink and toast - you feel immediately 1 minor increment better about things.
Nobody is mad when you order chips and announce that they are for the ‘table’.
That is just such a baller thing to do and everyone is a bit happier for it. Adopt this as a matter of course for all of your dining experiences.
Master sleep.
I am in year 17 of insomnia and honestly there is a fully rested version of me in a parallel universe and she is not lying awake at 3.45am with wet eyes, staring in to the darkness before trudging through another day with the zombie weight of a body and a mind that is stewed in desperate hope for sleep. She is writing much more cheerful things and probably can grow her nails.
Sometimes it is your fault and you should say sorry. Unless it is more harmful to get in touch – always say sorry.
Master an apology, we’re all wrong sometimes.
Sometimes it is their fault and you should accept their sorry – even if it comes too late. (See point 3.)
Master accepting an apology, we’re all wrong sometimes.
Hobbies, passions and interests are essential to be a person.
Find the thing that puts you in your element.
There is nothing more kind, joyful, attractive or sexy than to see someone love and/or be competent at something they love, except being that person doing The Thing.
We are not on The Apprentice, and competing as if you are makes you a bellend.
This applies to work and it applies to life. It isn’t a competition. There are infinite chances and opportunities to go around. We all know Linked In is balls anyway.
Babies doing swearing is always funny.
If in doubt, for any occasion navy blue is always appropriate.
This is the hill I am willing to die on.
All round stylish human Alexa Chung proving the versatility of navy.
She could be going to a job interview, a funeral, the launch of pop-up store for very small sunglasses - anything. That is the power of navy clothes. (I need the silver shoes...)
You’ll probably never get your rent deposit back so factor it in.
Also, almost nobody saves for their house deposit alone. It’s time we stopped that lie.
Living with people can be frightfully hard if you are the messy one or the tidy one. Find a way and quickly.
Just put a plaster and a stamp in your wallet. You will always be glad you did. (A male friend added that a safety pin/sewing kit is on his list because he travels in suits a lot.)
Take less photos of your food and more photos of your friends.
I really miss having photos of my friends. I used to have lots and now I have a camera scroll that contains 4 shots of a watermelon I ate on the beach in Barcelona and merely 1 of my godson reading a book.
Be careful with your heart and the hearts of others.
A painful and bitter lesson that is best learnt early. Once you have been on either side of the broken heart and taken the monumental amount of time and energy to heal - you mustn’t allow yourself to be careless.
Cultivate a sense of humour about work.
Honestly, you’re at work more than anything else so you may as well be good-natured about it as much as you can. This isn’t a rule about dismissing truly terrible things with humour but more a lesson about looking at the mess of a project plan and the endless meetings about meetings and enjoying a side eye to camera. If you find some like-minded realists you will forge lifelong friendships and that get you through anything. Even a spreadsheet that means almost nothing but everyone really cares about.
Don’t bother trying to change your parents.
Everyone will get on a million times better if you just practice the art of acceptance on a range of irritating matters.
Salt isn’t really that bad.
Honestly, it isn’t. Apply liberally to any potatoes and live your life
.
Buy a reusable coffee cup.
The collapsible ones are easy to carry. Same for cotton totes.
It would be nice to make the planet survive for a bit longer, wouldn’t it?
If you still feel lousy after you’ve eaten something, drank water, cleansed under a hot shower and had a chat with a friend then okay, call it and go back to bed. It will pass.
Always tell people you love them when you do. Even if it’s awkward and even if it isn’t reciprocated. You’ll not regret that. Love and pride do not mix.
It really is as simple as that.
I think it was in Friends when someone says that – people are always happy to hear you love them. I could look that up but I’m not going to. Enjoy the possible philosophy of Friends.
Two lessons is one nice bit of typography there.
Cheating just fills you with guilt and shame. It isn’t worth the 40 minute (10 minute?) thrill. Promise.
Best case scenario you act swiftly and sort the underlying problem out. Worst case scenario it all goes terribly wrong and Point 18 comes in to play.
You can’t make someone who loves the opposite sex than you are – love you.
They just don’t feel that way. Tell them and then accept it as one of life’s awful pains.
Please and thank you go a really long way.
Just cultivate it as a habit in all of your interactions with people. I mean this one should really go without saying.
Nobody feels brave when you are being brave.
Being brave isn’t such a heroic look. All of the times I have done the brave thing – left the job, the person, the life, said no, said yes – I was terrified and sick inside at the same time. There isn’t really a brave feeling.
What you allow will continue.
This is courtesy of the Guys We Fucked podcast and honestly, no truer words have been spoken. You will teach people how to treat you if you allow it and vice versa.
This is Krystyna and Corinne and they are Sorry About Last Night.
I think we're friends because they have chatted to me every Friday morning for years.
You are not as fat or as ugly as you think you are.
Nope, you’re not. I think Jameela Jamil is making quite a good point on this – daily.
Nobody worth it really cares about body hair.
This applies however you identify yourself. If you’re in a position where you are really up close to inspect such a thing then there are much more exciting things at hand. If a div decides to shame you for that then I think use point 29. I once had the most enormous crush on a man that claimed it was impossible to tell the difference when he took his t-shirt off – he referred to this as, ‘nature’s t-shirt’ and honestly, I still think he is joy to behold.
Learn to cook about 10 decent things and you’ll be okay.
I mean go wild for more but 10 is the threshold. But we’re all kidding ourselves if we think granola is anything other than smashed up biscuits. Special thanks to the Welsh man who put Marmite in everything that has improved my vegetarian bolognaise by 38%.
He actually just had a really Welsh name.
His sister's name was so Welsh that I misheard it as West Bromwich Albion the first time I heard him say it.
Always have painkillers in your house.
I have never been more at ease with my neurotic self than when I stumble downstairs on a Saturday morning and open the kitchen drawer to see painkillers. Which I swallow down with a pint of water and retreat back to bed. 32p paracetamol from Boots every time you’re in the queue. You will be so grateful to yourself.
34. Your friends will leave you when they fall in love but they do come back eventually.
I thought this stopped at around age 22 but it doesn’t. I’ve lost a lot of women this way and a few men. You were once in the Top 3 and now you’re barely making a Myspace Top 8 (that will make sense to about 3 people and I’m not sorry). It is sad but also normal. Let go as graciously as you can.
35. Look after your teeth.
I have weird pride in my teeth. They are my enamel gold medals for actually doing something right.
36. Consent is a low bar. Hold out for enthusiasm.
This applies to nearly everything except taking your turn with chores. You can just oblige that with no enthusiasm.
*37. Make weird art.
This is the one for this year.
Things!
NBC News –
We are sending our information to the moon to preserve the best bits of humanity as we seem hell bent on perpetuating the conditions that will bring about our demise as a human race. It is still sort of cool and still sort of romantic.
The New York Times - 36 is the magic number it seems.
I have adored this idea since I first read about it in 2015. While I cannot verify it works I can only imagine the kind of revealing conversation you could have over red wine with someone in the early throes of something.
The Guardian - Simon Amstell’s film Benjamin.
I went to see this last week and enjoyed it hugely. Like Amstell and Benjamin the realisation that being ‘too defended to love’ was sort of surprising and not surprising at all.
Pandora Sykes – The Pound Project
I have been a fan of The Pound Project since the beginning and it has some very worthy aims: to bring original writing to people from an independent publisher, promoting a lesser known writer, in an environmentally friendly way for as little as £1.
This time out Pandora poses an essay about The Authentic Lie and I have enjoyed it very much:
"Our modern life is defined by zeitgeisty buzz-words, but two such words - 'authenticity' and 'curator' - make impossible bedfellows. In a hyper-curated world, is an authentic life even an option? And what - when applied to the human experience - does 'authenticity' actually mean?"
The Daily Mail - The sodding pearl clips.
If you are a person you have seen these bloody clips everywhere since last autumn. I am furious with myself for having a version I got back in October. I am furious that we all look the same. I am furious that The Daily Mail ran an article about the popularity of hair clips because of pretty girls in staged photos – there is copy in that article that quotes a consumers joy that they arrived well packaged (!) I am furious because I am embarrassed that I’m basically one of the humans in Wall-E. Please forgive me, I am trying to buy less nonsense. I am trying. (I also have gold ones, tortoiseshell ones, black ones and special one with shells and pearls on…I deserve the mocking).
Victoria Coren-Mitchell – on the Off Menu podcast.
Such a no-nonsense joy to listen to and instantly made me want a ploughman’s lunch.
Wanton Consumerism:
The Reformation
The Kiernan Dress. The Reformation’s website is basically pornography for dresses and bronzed limbs. I feel a curious mix of self-loathing and utter joy whenever I look at it (which is often and always.)
I want to wear this dress with that bag and those shoes while being generally an amazing person.
& Other Stories
It is very nearly April and sequins are for Christmas and auditioning for the entertainment crew on cruise ships. Fringing is one of those tricky and hard to translate trends that doesn’t make good sense if you buy clothes on a cost per wear basis. You will never really be able to wear it all that much and heaven help you if you sit in chewing gum or go near a desk fan. And yet I admire it so. Admiring it is fine. Instead I bought a black button down ‘boiler suit’. I kid you not.
Wolf and Moon.
I was gifted a beautiful pair of earrings from these lads as a leaving gift. I saw them for sale in the gift shop of The Barbican. I ended up being so in awe of them I didn’t want to lose one (I have previous of leaving them on nightstands to never be seen again…) and ended up saving them ‘for best’. Isn’t that just the stupidest idea? Wear the damn pretty things!
So I urge you to look at the offerings and we can all wear them together and congratulate ourselves on how clever and stylish we all are. Battle Cry: Fuck saving them for best!
It would be very cool of you to subscribe.
C x