36 Lessons Learnt
I am making a motion to reject linear time but still learn...
A few years ago in honour of my pal turning 36 we jotted down 36 pieces of wisdom. I feel like life, time and a pandemic has, like us all, changed me somewhat but wanted to check if these wisdoms still held up to scrutiny.
This is the original should you desperately want to compare.
1. Food is medicine. They claim it is laughter but really it is food. A cold lonely evening can be remedied with home-made macaroni cheese. A bowl of soup can lift spirits and nourish a broken heart and feed a lingering cold. A baked camembert and bread can cement a budding romance. Mostly it makes the body you heft around work better and motor you on to other exciting things.
Yeah, maybe I would change that to Food Supports A Mood.
2. Stories allow you to live additional lives.
Books, music, plays, conversation, radio… any story will give you a moment in another life which is sort of magical when you think about it and helpful in far-reaching ways.
Still true.
3. Nearly everyone is trying to get through something.
Try to exercise compassion in all of your dealings with people. That Volvo that cut you up this morning was a man distracted by the grief of his dying mother. The ratty woman in the chemist was managing chronic pain in her kidneys. That time you yelled at a friend that didn’t deserve it – you were exhausted and didn’t know how to help yourself.
I literally practice this every day, it’s the only method I can think of to prevent me from kneeing people in queues.
4. Float Accordingly.
One of my most favourite items of clothing is a navy-blue t-shirt that I wear to bed. It has a picture of a galaxy on it, and it has a big arrow pointing to a faraway fleck that says, YOU ARE HERE. I love it for 2 reasons: 1. we are a small fleck in the grand scheme of things, a moment of cosmic dust and happenstance, and that should give us the perspective to remember to float accordingly. And 2. The man who gifted it to me for my birthday got it so right and that is still a delight to remember even after it was all said and done.
Still love that t-shirt for the same reasons.
5 Hot buttery toast and a cup of tea can fix souls.
This is technically similar to point 1, but if you have ever had whispery confessional chats at 2am sitting drunk in the kitchen with mascara-streaked cheeks or woken up from a nap on the sofa when you’re off work because of grief – then been handed a hot drink and toast - you feel immediately 1 minor increment better about things.
I add to this that Maldon salt sprinkled on toast makes that infinitely better. Sometimes – sometimes – the best part of the night is the debrief over tea and crumpets at 4am.
6 Nobody is mad when you order chips and announce that they are for the ‘table’.
That is just such a baller thing to do and everyone is a bit happier for it. Adopt this as a matter of course for all of your dining experiences.
I believe I have used the word baller about 3 times in my life but I was feeling confident here it seems, probably won’t go for the forth use any time soon.
7 Master sleep.
I am in year 17 of insomnia and honestly there is a fully rested version of me in a parallel universe and she is not lying awake at 3.45am with wet eyes, staring in to the darkness before trudging through another day with the zombie weight of a body and a mind that is stewed in desperate hope for sleep. She is writing much more cheerful things and probably can grow her nails.
I add to this – take Biotin it has helped with my nails so much. They are now almost useful.
8 Sometimes it is your fault and you should say sorry -unless it is more harmful to get in touch – always say sorry.
Master an apology, we’re all wrong sometimes.
Yes.
9 Sometimes it is their fault and you should accept their sorry – even if it comes too late. (See point 3.)
Master accepting an apology, we’re all wrong sometimes.
Yes.
10 Hobbies, passions and interests are essential to be a person.
Find the thing that puts you in your element.
There is nothing more kind, joyful, attractive or sexy than to see someone love and/or be competent at something they love, except being that person doing The Thing.
I say this all of the time, but competence is sexy. Calm, competence with appropriate humour is the sexiest. Ok, calm, competent, funny, tall, kind, motorbike (optional) is the sexiest. I don’t make the rules. I once kissed a man because he told me he was 7 weeks into therapy. It was just so competent in this instance.
11 We are not on The Apprentice and competing as if you are makes you a bell end.
This applies to work, and it applies to life. It isn’t a competition. There are infinite chances and opportunities to go around.
I haven’t watched The Apprentice in years but this still stands. The pandemic has radicalised me; I do my hours and live my life. I don’t believe in girlbossing etc.
12 Babies doing swearing is always funny.
Something must have recently happened because this isn’t like “up there” of actually hilarious things. I don’t find swearing remotely offensive though. Its actually just great use of language. This one can go. REPLACE this one.
13 If in doubt, for any occasion navy blue is always appropriate.
This is the hill I am willing to die on.
100% correct still. No notes. Navy is always my favourite.
Interestingly (sort of) the shoes I admire in the original accompanying picture – I do own those now.
14 You’ll probably never get your rent deposit back so factor it in.
Also, almost nobody saves for their house deposit alone. It’s time we stopped that lie.
I have always got mine back because I am too good at admin I guess.
15 Living with people can be frightfully hard if you are the messy one or the tidy one. Find a way and quickly.
I have observed this too many times and seen the utter sadness on both sides. No moral value to either but exhausting all the same. If anyone can work out how to fix this one please share.
I share a flat with a tidy person. I am a tidy person. Life is harmonious. I don’t mean to boast. The only thing we don’t completely agree on is if cutlery should point up or down (the correct way) in the dishwasher and the volume in which Elden Ring can be enjoyed. I thank my lucky stars for this arrangement.
16 Just put a plaster and a stamp in your wallet. You will always be glad you did.
Yeah, continue.
17 Take less photos of your food and more photos of your friends.
I really miss having photos of my friends. I used to have lots and now I have a camera roll that contains 4 shots of a watermelon I ate on the beach in Barcelona and merely 1 of my godson reading a book.
Update – take less photos of your own face. It’s still there. It looks its age and that is fine actually.
18 Be careful with your heart and the hearts of others.
A painful and bitter lesson that is best learnt early. Once you have been on either side of the broken heart and taken the monumental amount of time and energy to heal - you mustn’t allow yourself to be careless.
True. Still very true. That goes for staying with someone you don’t want to be with too.
19 Cultivate a sense of humour about work.
Honestly, you’re at work more than anything else so you may as well be good-natured about it as much as you can. This isn’t a rule about dismissing truly terrible things with humour but more a lesson about looking at the mess of a project plan and the endless meetings about meetings and enjoying a side eye to camera. If you find some like-minded realists, you will forge lifelong friendships and that get you through anything. Even a spreadsheet that means almost nothing, but everyone really cares about.
I laugh in the face of a spreadsheet these days, there are so few that are well made. Laugh and laugh some more. Or go in to the woods and live off the land.
20 Don’t bother trying to change your parents.
Everyone will get on a million times better if you just practice the art of acceptance on a range of irritating matters.
Yeah, I haven’t mastered this one at all. This one is lofty.
21 Salt isn’t really that bad.
Honestly, it isn’t. Apply liberally to any potatoes and live your life.
There are 3 types of salt in the house at all times and I recently forced a le Creuset salt pig into the kitchen. I stan salt. But this needs no place here. Replace.
22 Buy a reusable coffee cup.
The collapsible ones are easy to carry. Same for cotton totes.
It would be nice to make the planet survive for a bit longer, wouldn’t it?
This is nonsense. Ever since we saw those pictures of the literal ocean on fire, I am far less inclined to get snippy about a Costa cup. Replace.
23 If you still feel lousy after you’ve eaten something, drank water, cleansed under a hot shower and had a chat with a friend then okay, call it and go back to bed. It will pass.
True.
24 Always tell people you love them when you do. Even if it’s awkward and even if it isn’t reciprocated. You’ll not regret that. Love and pride do not mix.
It really is as simple as that.
I think it was in Friends when someone says that – people are always happy to hear you love them. I could look that up but I’m not going to. Enjoy the possible philosophy of Friends.
Yeah, I love you. Always have, always will.
25 Cheating just fills you with guilt and shame. It isn’t worth the thrill. Promise.
Best case scenario you act swiftly and sort the underlying problem out. Worst case scenario it all goes terribly wrong and Point 18 comes in to play.
Oh yeah, the pain. The guilt. The shame. The pain. The pain. Its best avoided where possible.
26 You can’t make someone who loves the opposite sex than you are – love you.
They just don’t feel that way. Tell them and then accept it as one of life’s awful pains.
What had happened here? No idea. Seems fair but doesn’t merit an update. Replace.
27 Please and thank you go a really long way.
Just cultivate it as a habit in all of your interactions with people. I mean this one should really go without saying.
Really probably does go without saying.
28 Nobody feels brave when you are being brave.
Being brave isn’t such a heroic look. All of the times I have done the brave thing – left the job, the person, the life, said no, said yes – I was terrified and sick inside at the same time. There isn’t really a brave feeling.
Useful information.
29 What you allow will continue.
This is courtesy of the Guys We Fucked podcast and honestly, no truer words have been spoken. You will teach people how to treat you if you allow it and vice versa.
Yes, still sound advice.
30 You are not as fat or as ugly as you think you are.
Nope, you’re not. I think Jameela Jamil is making quite a good point on this – daily.
Oh this is tea-towel wisdom. DELETE.
31 Nobody worth it really cares about body hair.
This applies however you identify yourself. If you’re in a position where you are really up close to inspect such a thing then there are much more exciting things at hand. If a div decides to shame you for that then I think use point 29. I once had the most enormous crush on a man that claimed it was impossible to tell the difference when he took his t-shirt off – he referred to this as, ‘nature’s t-shirt’ and honestly, I still think he is joy to behold.
What had happened? I don’t care about body hair to be honest. I still have a low-key crush on this man.
32 Learn to cook about 10 decent things and you’ll be okay.
I mean go wild for more but 10 is the threshold. But we’re all kidding ourselves if we think granola is anything other than smashed up biscuits. Special thanks to the Welsh man who put Marmite in everything that has improved my meat-free bolognese by 38%
Yep, still do that, thank you Welsh(ish) man. I recently told a chef about this trick, and he said, “ok, whatever” so high praise indeed.
33 Always have painkillers in your house.
I have never been more at ease with my neurotic self than when I stumble downstairs on a Saturday morning and open the kitchen drawer to see painkillers. Which I swallow down with a pint of water and retreat back to bed. 32p paracetamol from Boots every time you’re in the queue. You will be so grateful to yourself.
Top notch, still do this.
34. Your friends will leave you when they fall in love but they do come back eventually.
I thought this stopped at around age 22 but it doesn’t. I’ve lost a lot of women this way and a few men. You were once in the Top 3 and now you’re barely making a Myspace Top 8 (that will make sense to about 3 people and I’m not sorry). It is sad but also normal. Let go as graciously as you can.
Same as when they have babies. Down the pecking order you go. Its all ok. You’ll be fine.
35. Look after your teeth.
I have weird pride in my teeth. They are my enamel gold medals for actually doing something right.
I am still looking after my teeth, and they are still being nice in response. Good work teeth!
36. Consent is a low bar. Hold out for enthusiasm.
This applies to nearly everything except taking your turn with chores. You can just oblige that with no enthusiasm.
Hmmm. This really came to the fore recently so yeah, she can stay.
*37. Make weird art.
This is the one for this year.
Still making weird art, still have journals full of nonsense and pictures and poems. These are unhinged of course. However, creating is about hope and optimism for something so we continue on.
Replacements from 2022 in correspondence to my past and future selves as a gather of other people’s wisdoms.
12 – social media is absurd and for every “important tool in the Arab Spring” benefit there are about 1000 downsides that have created gross and perverse economies that have harmful consequences with consumption, sustainability, mental health and democracy. We all have internet-poisoning and a few hours off a day is advised as we have accidently agreed to a life of being upset on the phone. I have to physically put my phone in another room these days, but it helps to do a bit of IRL stuff.
21 – the partner you choose reflects how you see yourself at that time. Do with that what you will.
22 – talent is everywhere but opportunity isn’t. Help make some opportunities where you can and seize the ones that come your way.
26 – ride or die but sometimes it is abandon and live. Both are fine. It is your life and obligated presence is no presence at all.
30 – most people aren’t manipulative and sinister. There is a trending expectation to have these pure, clean and easily explained emotions when, in my experience, the Russian nesting dolls that make up a person are full of confounding, mysterious and contradictory things. We are strangers to ourselves sometimes and life can only be truly understood in the reflection of the rear-view mirror. I think we need to stop pathologising the normal characteristics of being a person and claiming people have ADHD, are narcissists or are gaslighting etc. Sometimes this is true but mostly it is not. I am truly tired of this bandying about of clinical terms to describe someone being a bit messy or whatever. We’re just these hairless monkeys that got to be top of the food chain for a bit and we do stupid things sometimes and if we’re lucky we learn something from them, apologise and don’t do them again. Some of us make 36 reminders to stay on track and everything.
C x
Good Words (lessons still to be learnt)
I think the theme of these collected writing over the past few weeks is: tired millennial coming to grips with something.
A plea to cease the ‘pity me’ tone to personal essay but a perfect description of what a good personal essay should be - from Gawker.
Be it funny or serious, good personal writing is honest, confident, and singular. It doesn’t feel defensive or caveated or generic. There are sentences which read like the equivalent of a coyly raised eyebrow, and jokes which aren’t spelled out. Perhaps above all there is a sense of faith in the listener, the reader, the audience; in other people, really.
While a lot of this article is a reach I cannot deny the inexplicable appeal of Julia Fox and what meme-worthy mesmerising chaos she is going to do next. The woman has made me question where a denim bag my teenage boyfriend bought me is these days - and that is powerful stuff. - from Vice.
When “eat the rich” is the political mantra du jour, Julia Fox reinforces her allegiance to dating billionaires. While born-into-it moguls like Kim Kardashian and Molly-Mae are alienating people with meritocratic messaging about working hard, Fox does the opposite by describing owning a Birkin bag (a birthday gift from West) as “anxiety-inducing” and “a lot of pressure”.
I recently re-watched all of Girls and I enjoyed it all immensely. I laughed a lot, appreciated it even more and considered getting back in to Mark Ronson and buying a satchel. I have never understood* the vitriol for Dunham, the reactions to this show or how the male leads (excellent, gorgeous, talented, acting out the unhinged things from the pen of Lena) have gone from strength to strength in their industry and the female leads (excellent, gorgeous, talented, acting out the unhinged things from the pen of Lena) did middling - from Vanity Fair.
*except I do understand and its all about what society deems an attractive woman
At the same time, I could never really wrap my head around the intense vitriol and criticism drawn by the show—particularly stars Allison Williams, Zosia Mamet, Jemima Kirke, and, most notably, Dunham. Sure, there were legitimate allegations of nepotism lobbied against the central quad. But the fury that the show ignited—the way Dunham and her series seemed to inspire mass panic and hostility—felt outsize, even at the time.
The person who coined the description of Millennial Pink has some regrets. Even Sketch, the millennial woman’s birthday treat palace, is tired and had a yellow rethink. All this confirms to me is that people only go for the picture to share rather than say the excellent food and service, which is a shame but stealth capitalism is only one part of the story - from Elle.
I wrote an essay for The Cut, New York magazine’s women’s vertical, examining the idea, attempting to separate this strain of the color from the pure Elle Woods version. “The titration of actual pinkness varies a little, but it’s still a fairly narrow spectrum—from salmon mousse to gravlax,” I wrote. “It’s a non-color that doesn’t commit, whose semi-ugliness is proof of its sophistication.” I was just trying to tease out a cultural curiosity, but along the way, I ended up stumbling into coining the term millennial pink, a phrase that has gone on to make untold millions for...people who are not me.
My lazy coinage had gone viral, and pink’s hegemony was complete. My life quickly became a chromatically themed Groundhog Day. I got daily press releases pointing me to the best “millennial pink” artwork, snacks, Airbnbs, and blushes. People at parties explained the definition to me, usually incorrectly. I went to a pink-branded Pilates studio that, like so many things in this hue, seemed to exist mostly for Instagram; its wan rosy lights, embedded in small, shrine-like structures in its walls, lit us as we studiously planked. I went to an all-pink restaurant in Nolita where the food was, mercifully, not pink. Everywhere I turned, I was swaddled in pink, as sticky with it as though I’d stepped in bubble gum, longing for the embrace of a cool blue or green.
Wanton Consumerism
I am a sucker for pinstripe and this two-piece could serve very well from Glassworks, I pretty much like everything they stock since I discovered their shop at the end of my street 3 years ago.
If I was a different person I would buy this - it isn’t wise and functional but I love it all the same.
While the weather oscillates between Margate and Madrid it would be nice to flounce about in this lightweight babe which is wiser and more functional.
Bon Mot
